Author Archives: Emily

Feb19

Dear Military Moms

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Can I just start by saying I cannot imagine how you do it. And by “it”, I mean raising children on your own and/or being without your husband because he’s deployed or out training somewhere for extended periods of time.  I don’t envy you. I do, however, admire you.

Joe was gone from 6:30 am yesterday, until the late hours of the night. Hospital rounds, work, meetings galore. This happens once a month. And I don’t get to talk with him much that entire day (sometimes less than 10 minutes). And yes, I want to whine because of it. I MISS MY HUSBAND!

I don’t know how you all do it. I see some of my Facebook friends posts…dads who Skype with their kids and read them stories, moms doing big countdowns until the day the love of her life is once again in her arms, the stress of doing it alone.

Military moms, you deserve a medal!

(And I’m guessing that a lot of this holds true to military dads who’s wives are deployed, but I’m not a man/dad, so I don’t know the emotional ups and downs that you go through)
Feb18

One week later

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I’m writing this post on Wednesday, the 13th of February. I have no idea if I’ll ever hit publish, or if I’ll just keep it safely stored away in my private settings. It has been one week since the loss of our little girl started. One week ago our life was changed forever. My heart trusts the Lord has a plan with all of this, but it still doesn’t take away those moments of sadness that sneak up on me.

Moments where another person joyfully announces they are pregnant. I don’t fault them, I would have been in their place eventually, had things progressed differently. Moments when you forget that you reactivated your baby registry at a store, simply to get coupons started again and to excitedly browse baby furniture, and the store calls to congratulate you on your pregnancy and to thank you for signing up for their registry. Moments where you look into your little boys eyes and think of what a great big brother he would make, even if he’s still so young.

But I’m trying to find joy. Trying to find hope. It’s not in the big stuff. The little stuff is quite significant right now. The kiss of my loving husband who would do anything in the world to take away any ounce of pain. The nonstop laughs of the cutest little boy on the planet. Watching my little guy try to play the piano, but if he were a few more inches taller, it would be easier. The phone call from a concerned pastor just wanting to check on me, and reassuring me of my baby’s existence and significance. The text messages from friends who want to make things better. A book that says just what I need to hear confirmed.

While we may never kiss our sweet baby’s cheeks, I’m thankful to know that she’s safe in heaven. She’s safe from the sin of this world. She’ll never have to experience heartache like we do here on earth. She gets to experience true joy for eternity. And that alone makes me happy!

Feb15

No Title Fitting Enough

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A few years ago we met with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) to discuss our battle with infertility that had gone on for over two years. After multiple tests, the doctor came back with the results and told us it was unlikely that we would ever conceive a child without invasive procedures such as IVF. While we had (and still have) no problems with others pursuing IVF, we did not feel the Lord leading us down that path. We strongly felt that if His will was for us to have our own biological child(ren), he would provide other ways. We decided to try a less invasive fertility treatment, and were beyond blessed with Jonathan.

The road to pregnancy was a long, painful one. The emotional turmoil was incredible. At one point I knew close to 60 women who were pregnant at the same time. I prayed, I cried, I even threw a few temper tantrums at God. There were ladies popping out baby after baby, and some were not taking care of them. They weren’t loving and appreciating the gift they’d been given, and I was mad. I was hurt that while we waited, friends were getting pregnant with their second and third child. I had so many questions for God. I wanted answers.

God blessed me with a friend who had walked the road before me. While it didn’t take the crushing pain of infertility away, it did ease it. I didn’t feel so alone anymore.

Jonathan is now 9 months old. He’s growing up and maturing faster than I’m ready for. I love every minute of being his mom.

I love the calling of being a mom. But now Joe and I can no longer say that Jonathan is our only child. Our lives have drastically changed again.

Recently we were shocked to find out that the Lord had blessed us with another pregnancy. Shocked at the timing. Shocked at the fact that we got pregnant without the use of fertility treatments. Overwhelmed with God’s graciousness. Honestly, I took the test to rule out pregnancy. I knew I was pretty late, but attributed it to the fact Jonathan was going through a growth spurt and I was nursing more. Our world quickly entered into fast forward.

While the excitement abounded, I was actually pretty nervous. I think I have some strange form of PTSD because of the sheer stress Jonathan’s sleep issues have caused. I went months with sleeping in 30 minute increments it felt like. We’ve come a long way, but what if the second baby had similar problems? How on earth could I be a good mom to Jonathan and a new baby? Would I be adequate enough?

And then the heart-wrenching began. I started spotting. I kept trying to remind myself that this, along with strong cramping, happened the entire first trimester with Jonathan. I was trying my hardest to stay calm, but fear struck. And it struck hard. Over the course of 24 hours, the spotting turned to full force bleeding and passing clots. I knew what was happening. Having spent years working in pathology, I knew what I was seeing. Our little baby, the one we’d only had the chance to celebrate its life for a few short days, had left us. Tests and ultrasounds the following day confirmed what I already knew.

The heartache has been real. While my little baby may not have survived for very long, it won’t be forgotten. I want to tell the doctor that told me “it’s as if it never happened”, that yes, yes it happened. The Lord gave us this child. For reasons that I will never know, He allowed it to be taken from us soon thereafter. I’ve wanted to be mad at God, but deep in my heart, I know that’s not the answer. Getting mad at God gives the devil victory. I have to trust that the Lord has a plan in all of this.

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But we can’t allow our little one to go unrecognized. Albeit short, there was a life within me. A life that has passed straight to heaven. Instead of one baby, we now have two. One living here on earth, one celebrating in heaven.

To give our little one’s life the recognition and respect it deserves, we have chosen a name. Some people may never understand our desire to do so. In Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, she quotes another author on the significance of naming.

“Now, in the Bible a name … reveals the very essence of a thing, or rather its essence as God’s gift … To name a thing is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God. To name a thing, in other words, is to bless God for it and in it.”

It was too early to determine if our baby would have been a boy or girl, but we felt strongly about picking out a girls name. So, our little girl, who is dancing in the streets of heaven is named Giana, which means “God is gracious” in Hebrew. She was important to us. Her short life has impacted our lives greatly.

Feb5

9 Months

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9 months

This post is a wee little late, but nevertheless, I wanted to document our amazing little guys 9 months here! I cannot believe time is passing by so quickly. I have flashbacks to when we were on our way to the hospital and the craziness that ensued! Over the past month you have grown so much!

On the 12th of January, you decided it was time to start standing up on your own. Once you figured this out, it wouldn’t be long before you started learning to cruise. We finally had to block you in with a fence so that you wouldn’t mess with the television or you wouldn’t escape when we weren’t looking.

You love being read to. Your love for books grows constantly.

When I carry you through the hall and you see your daddy’s picture on the wall, you get so excited!!!

You’ve started learning to give kisses too!

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You love it when we put you on our bed and flip you over. You think that is one of the greatest things ever!

You’re eating more and more food and loving it. We gave you your first Popsicle this month too! You were really cranky, we think due to teething problems. Chewing on toys and a teething ring just weren’t cutting it. So we broke out the good stuff! And you LOVED it!

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is also a favorite. While mommy doesn’t let you watch much television during the day, she does let you watch Mickey!

One of these days your sleep problems will subside…we just know it! But for now, we’re just trying to make it through!

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Jan30

Where in the world is…

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Carmen SanDiego?

I’m not sure her current locale, but I can tell you where I am and where I’ve been! I’m currently hiding out in plain site while the little guy naps, trying to accomplish a bazillion things. This list includes sweeping up the crushed Cherrios I manage to keep finding throughout my kitchen!

I’ve tried to work harder on my goal of not spending a lot of time on the computer so I can focus more on my house and family, hence the lack of posting. Jonathan is ramping up the separation anxiety and teething, so I’m within touching distance of him at.all.times. Thank goodness for my Kindle app on my cell phone. I can sneak in a few paragraphs between being a human jungle gym and reading stories. I love it though and wouldn’t give it up for anything in this world!

Over the next few days/week I hope to have a few things posted. These will include Jonathan’s 9 month update (yikes! Already!!!) and a review of the 4 books and 2 short ebooks I’ve knocked out this month. Some of them you’ll definitely want to pick up! So stay tuned for those.

Life is crazy right now, but I’m thankful for it!

Jan16

30 in 30 – Days 12-15

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In a few days we’ll be halfway through the month. I hope that when that time comes, I’ll feel as if this house has come under more order than it was when the month started out.

Day 12:

Reorganize our pantry. Every now and then it gets a little chaotic. When its properly organize, not only can I see what we have/don’t have, but I can better plan meals. It also helps financially to not to buy things we don’t need. Win win.

Day 13:

Write our Compassion International child. I’ve been so bad about this the past year being pregnant and after having Jonathan and I really do regret not keeping up correspondence. That will change today!

Day 14: 

Strip cloth diapers. Some of Jonathan’s diapers are starting to smell, so it’s time to do this.

Day 15:

I have a pile of laundry that needs to the stains specially treated. Today is the day!

Jan12

We’re Almost Halfway Into January?

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Its kind of hard to believe that we’re almost halfway through the month of January. In fact, I’m finding it hard to believe that I’m 31 years old, married and have a baby. Boy time flies! I feel like I should be a little kid still, hanging out at our pool with friends, and enjoying my summer vacation. But I’m not. I’m here, planning my grocery shopping list, cutting coupons and matching to sales, and praying that the food budget I created for this month holds (I’m so green at this thing!). It’s also not summer vacation by the pool. Its dreary out and I’m mad at the weatherman for giving me the impression that it was supposed to be sunny and 70 in January.

I’m already finding myself glancing back at my goals for 2013 to see if I’m making any progress whatsoever. I know we’re only 12 days in, but for me it is good accountability.

  • For my personal goals, I’ve managed to get out once with my new jogging stroller in an attempt to reclaiming my running ways. I was going to head out today, but I doubt that will happen (thank you Mr. Weatherman). My quiet times have existed, but they’ve not been so quiet. It seems most days when I’m trying to get it in during Jonathan’s nap, he chooses that day to go for the gold in sleep fighting. I’ve finished 2 books this month, but the soda/water thing hasn’t been going as well. I need to focus a little more effort on this.
  • The marriage and parenting categories could be much better, but its hard to measure most of those goals only 12 days in.
  • Our home is getting back to normal thanks to my personal challenge  - 30 Days to Reclaim My House. I’ve managed to make up my bed every day, which is probably just as much as I’ve made it up over the past five years. Don’t judge ;)
  • I’m doing my best to be a better steward with our finances. Coupons have been clipped and compared with the weekly sales flyer. I’ve kept myself from purchasing things that are not necessary. If I find something I like, I put it on my Amazon wish list for the time being, and then I can edit it along the way! It saves me from impulse buys! I’m also using this month (and maybe a few more) to test out the cash envelope system Dave Ramsey suggests. We’re starting with our grocery category and we’ll go from there!
Jan10

30 in 30 – Days 9-11

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We’re 1/3 of the way through the month, and things are going ok! I’m trying to get things accomplished in my attempt to regain the sanity of our living space. I’m also working on my goals for this year and trying to make them habits, adding only a little in at a time so that I stick with them!

Here’s what is in store for the next few days:

Day 9:

We have a stack of papers that need to be filed- documents and bills that we’ve paid, stuff of that nature. It all needs to be sorted and filed.

Day 10:

Clean the front and back glass doors, sweep the front porch

Day 11:

Clear out excess boxes in our bonus room. I’ve been putting this off for a REALLY long time now.

Jan8

The Worst Part of the Holidays

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The worst part of holiday season HAS to be taking all the decorations down. And to be honest with you, we don’t put that much stuff up! A tree we decorate, stockings, a welcome mat and some hand towels in our downstairs bathroom. Sometimes the cookie cutters will come out and a wreath may even get put up. Beyond that, there are no really elaborate decorations that go on in my house. Nevertheless, the worst part of the holiday season is packing it all away.

Everything was put away by January 2, except the tree. Oh the tree. I hate packing it up. Even though we have bags the parts go in, it stinks trying to get it all bundled up, and packed ever so tightly in bags that, even though they say will hold 1 tree, inevitably won’t. In fact, we have one big bag, one medium bag, and I still finding myself cursing this thing every year. I put one of the larger parts in the medium sized bag, and with all my inner thigh magic, squeeze until I either burst or get the thing zipped.

And then I stop for chocolate before attempting the big bag with the the other three parts of the tree.

But alas, the tree has now come down, its all bundled up and packed tightly away in its bags to be stored in the attic…until next year when I get to utter hatred for packing it away underneath my breath.

The real upside to taking the tree down is that our living room looks larger than it previously did, which is never a bad thing. I can scoot our recliner around, and now we have even more room for the play yard. Basically, Jonathan has more room to claim as his own ;)