Category Archives: Infertility

Feb18

One week later

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I’m writing this post on Wednesday, the 13th of February. I have no idea if I’ll ever hit publish, or if I’ll just keep it safely stored away in my private settings. It has been one week since the loss of our little girl started. One week ago our life was changed forever. My heart trusts the Lord has a plan with all of this, but it still doesn’t take away those moments of sadness that sneak up on me.

Moments where another person joyfully announces they are pregnant. I don’t fault them, I would have been in their place eventually, had things progressed differently. Moments when you forget that you reactivated your baby registry at a store, simply to get coupons started again and to excitedly browse baby furniture, and the store calls to congratulate you on your pregnancy and to thank you for signing up for their registry. Moments where you look into your little boys eyes and think of what a great big brother he would make, even if he’s still so young.

But I’m trying to find joy. Trying to find hope. It’s not in the big stuff. The little stuff is quite significant right now. The kiss of my loving husband who would do anything in the world to take away any ounce of pain. The nonstop laughs of the cutest little boy on the planet. Watching my little guy try to play the piano, but if he were a few more inches taller, it would be easier. The phone call from a concerned pastor just wanting to check on me, and reassuring me of my baby’s existence and significance. The text messages from friends who want to make things better. A book that says just what I need to hear confirmed.

While we may never kiss our sweet baby’s cheeks, I’m thankful to know that she’s safe in heaven. She’s safe from the sin of this world. She’ll never have to experience heartache like we do here on earth. She gets to experience true joy for eternity. And that alone makes me happy!

Feb15

No Title Fitting Enough

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A few years ago we met with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) to discuss our battle with infertility that had gone on for over two years. After multiple tests, the doctor came back with the results and told us it was unlikely that we would ever conceive a child without invasive procedures such as IVF. While we had (and still have) no problems with others pursuing IVF, we did not feel the Lord leading us down that path. We strongly felt that if His will was for us to have our own biological child(ren), he would provide other ways. We decided to try a less invasive fertility treatment, and were beyond blessed with Jonathan.

The road to pregnancy was a long, painful one. The emotional turmoil was incredible. At one point I knew close to 60 women who were pregnant at the same time. I prayed, I cried, I even threw a few temper tantrums at God. There were ladies popping out baby after baby, and some were not taking care of them. They weren’t loving and appreciating the gift they’d been given, and I was mad. I was hurt that while we waited, friends were getting pregnant with their second and third child. I had so many questions for God. I wanted answers.

God blessed me with a friend who had walked the road before me. While it didn’t take the crushing pain of infertility away, it did ease it. I didn’t feel so alone anymore.

Jonathan is now 9 months old. He’s growing up and maturing faster than I’m ready for. I love every minute of being his mom.

I love the calling of being a mom. But now Joe and I can no longer say that Jonathan is our only child. Our lives have drastically changed again.

Recently we were shocked to find out that the Lord had blessed us with another pregnancy. Shocked at the timing. Shocked at the fact that we got pregnant without the use of fertility treatments. Overwhelmed with God’s graciousness. Honestly, I took the test to rule out pregnancy. I knew I was pretty late, but attributed it to the fact Jonathan was going through a growth spurt and I was nursing more. Our world quickly entered into fast forward.

While the excitement abounded, I was actually pretty nervous. I think I have some strange form of PTSD because of the sheer stress Jonathan’s sleep issues have caused. I went months with sleeping in 30 minute increments it felt like. We’ve come a long way, but what if the second baby had similar problems? How on earth could I be a good mom to Jonathan and a new baby? Would I be adequate enough?

And then the heart-wrenching began. I started spotting. I kept trying to remind myself that this, along with strong cramping, happened the entire first trimester with Jonathan. I was trying my hardest to stay calm, but fear struck. And it struck hard. Over the course of 24 hours, the spotting turned to full force bleeding and passing clots. I knew what was happening. Having spent years working in pathology, I knew what I was seeing. Our little baby, the one we’d only had the chance to celebrate its life for a few short days, had left us. Tests and ultrasounds the following day confirmed what I already knew.

The heartache has been real. While my little baby may not have survived for very long, it won’t be forgotten. I want to tell the doctor that told me “it’s as if it never happened”, that yes, yes it happened. The Lord gave us this child. For reasons that I will never know, He allowed it to be taken from us soon thereafter. I’ve wanted to be mad at God, but deep in my heart, I know that’s not the answer. Getting mad at God gives the devil victory. I have to trust that the Lord has a plan in all of this.

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But we can’t allow our little one to go unrecognized. Albeit short, there was a life within me. A life that has passed straight to heaven. Instead of one baby, we now have two. One living here on earth, one celebrating in heaven.

To give our little one’s life the recognition and respect it deserves, we have chosen a name. Some people may never understand our desire to do so. In Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, she quotes another author on the significance of naming.

“Now, in the Bible a name … reveals the very essence of a thing, or rather its essence as God’s gift … To name a thing is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God. To name a thing, in other words, is to bless God for it and in it.”

It was too early to determine if our baby would have been a boy or girl, but we felt strongly about picking out a girls name. So, our little girl, who is dancing in the streets of heaven is named Giana, which means “God is gracious” in Hebrew. She was important to us. Her short life has impacted our lives greatly.

Nov20

Day 20 of Thanksgiving

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Today I am thankful for Jenni Saake, her book Hannah’s Hope, and her ministry through Hannah’s Prayer. All parts of her ministry have been an incredible blessing to me through our walk with infertility. So many women around the world have been blessed as well, and I’m sure everyone would agree that Jenni deserves our gratitude!

Sep14

How Much Does Having a Baby Change You?

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When I transitioned from my old blog to this blog, I did so with intentions of sharing our journey through infertility. We had privately battled the journey for quite a while and I was tired of hiding behind the curtain of what people consider taboo. A month or so later we started working with a reproductive endocrinologist who told us our chances of getting pregnant without IVF were slim. I wanted to share with the world the struggles to having a baby, but the struggles at that point were short-lived and our pursuit of parenthood finally resulted in us getting pregnant. A year ago last week we found out we were expecting. The pregnancy came after prayers, tests, invasive procedures, injections, and poking and prodding by lots of doctors and specialists.

After deciding to be real and open up a little on the blog about our struggles, numerous people have contacted me and shared their stories. What people don’t understand is there should be no shame in admitting there is a problem conceiving a child. Its more common than the world realizes. The gut wrenching pain is only made worse when you feel you have to hide behind the curtain of infertility.

But I want to be very honest. Now that I’ve been blessed with a baby, I only feel half “changed”. I love Jonathan more than I can put into words. Our first three months were incredibly tough. There were times I felt as though I was a failure and failing him as a mom. I prayed for years for a baby and I couldn’t take care of his needs. He had trouble eating and I had to supplement with formula. I felt horrible. He wouldn’t sleep more than 2 hours at a time…if I was lucky. The sleep deprivation/exhaustion alone almost killed me. So many nights I would put Jonathan down and sit in our bonus room sobbing uncontrollably because I didn’t feel adequate. I try hard not to complain about the struggles of motherhood, but I know I fail (and did especially those first three months). Being a mom is such a hard, yet incredibly rewarding, job.  I never want anyone to think I take it for granted.

Struggling for years for God to fulfill this desire definitely left its mark on my life. While I may have a new title, I still feel as though I will always be an infertile person living in a fertile world. When most friends announce their pregnancy on Facebook, I still twinge. I may have my own baby, but there is a sinking feeling in my gut. There are, of course, certain friends I cheer for. Those friends have faced similar battles. It may not be fair to hold that double standard, but its the way some of us are wired.

We want to have more kids, but deep down I have this fear that our infertility journey isn’t finished.

 

 

Jan2

Working On Those Goals

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If nothing else, I can say I’ve accomplised some of my goals already this year. I’ve finished not one, but two of the books on my list. Two days before the new year, I “checked out” “Erasing Hell: What God said about eternity, and the things we’ve made up” by Francis Chan. Through Amazon Prime you can check out one book per calendar month, so I’m glad I went ahead and got it before January started!

The book is well written, and fairly convicting. One verse he mentions in the book that really hit me hard and made me stop and think was Matthew 5:22. How many times a day do we I get irritated with someone and call them either a name or think poorly of them. Maybe its not “fool” and maybe its not out loud, but I’m guilty of it. This is especially true when I’m driving and people I encounter are doing foolish things (talking on the phone and not paying attention to driving, weaving in and out of traffic, putting on their makeup, reading the paper). The last part of verse 22 clearly says that I’m putting myself in danger of hell! Yikes!  A lot of the book focuses on our views of hell and why people feel the need to pretend hell isn’t a real place. Scripture clearly states that hell is real and Chan and Sprinkle show that in this book.

I finished Erasing Hell yesterday and since it was a new calendar month, decided to check out “Organized Simplicity: The Clutter-free Approach to Intentional Living” by Tsh Oxenreider

I must say that this is a great book, and I’m glad I chose it as my next book through Amazon’s lending library. One of my 2012 goals is to declutter before the baby is born. This is definitely going to aid me as I’m nesting. I started it yesterday, and thanks to a partial night of insomnia, finished it this morning. Tsh made me really think about what I need versus what I want, especially as we’re getting ready to have a baby. We don’t need tons of toys and “things” to clutter up the house. A few simple, well selected items are better than a room filled with toys galore. Its not just toys…its everything! I’m tempted to actually purchase this book, but for now I still have it through the end of January. And in the meantime, I’ll take some of the advice Tsh gives, and try some of her methods. Hopefully I’ll be able to organize our house more than its been in a while!

Now I’ve started reading That’s My Son: How Moms Can Influence Boys to Become Men of Character. I’m sure it will take me more than a day or so to finish! I need to work on taking Christmas decorations down, laundry, and many other things!  We did find a few minutes to change our air filters and the batteries in our smoke detectors today. For me, its easiest to do that at the first of January so that I can remember in to change the air filters April 1st, July 1st, and October 1st, and the batteries on July 1st. The three month/six month mark is much easier for me to remember than changing them in the middle of random months!

Dec1

Being a Wife (and Mother) of Noble Character

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(Obviously this is posted by Emily, not Joe!)

“A wife of noble character,who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and she lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” -Proverbs 31:10-12

This past week I’ve been reflecting a lot on the message from church this past Sunday. Pastor Randy (Mann) presented the message from Colossians 3:18-4:1 regarding rules for the Christian household. You can listen to it online (click on Sunday, November 27):

The first verse addresses wives- “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” So many times women think that the “submission” part means letting your husband “rule” over you and you be the doormat they wipe their feet on. But thats not it at all! I look to Joe as the leader of our household, our family. The Lord has given him such a huge responsibility of taking care and leading our family. It would be dishonoring the Lord if I didn’t submit to my husbands leadership. Yes, I will often give my input on things, but if Joe feels the Lord leading him in a different direction, I don’t throw my hands in the air and stomp off. I do my best to respect him, because I know his decision is based on what he feels God is leading him to do.

I have learned a lot about submitting to Joe’s leadership through our battle with infertility. So many times I wanted to do more and be more proactive about treatments. But when he said he didn’t feel as though the Lord was saying “ok”, I had to respect that – even though my desire to have a baby was so strong. And you know what? I’m so thankful I respected my husbands leadership. Because we waited, God gave me an incredible opportunity to share my testimony with a lady in a foreign country and for her to learn of the love of Jesus Christ! If I would have had a baby a year ago, I would likely have not had that opportunity.

But submitting to my husband is only a fraction of whats been on my mind this week. As we are getting closer to the halfway point in our pregnancy, my thoughts are also becoming more of a Godly wife and a Godly mother.

I long to be more like the Proverbs 31 woman. I long to be a wife of noble character. In a world of man hating and male bashing, I am very thankful to be married to such an incredible man. I never want to dishonor the character of the man the Lord has blessed me with. It breaks my heart (and sometimes angers me) when I hear other women putting down their husbands or talking trash about them. Some people tell me I’m still in my honeymoon phase, three and a half years into our marriage, and that at some point it will change. There are women I know who have been married 10, 20, 30, 40 years, and I still see the way they adore their husbands. I pray that God blesses me with that spirit! I still want to be in our honeymoon phase when we’ve been married for 40 years!

As for our child(ren), I genuinely desire to raise them in a home where Christ isn’t only the foundation, but is also the walls, the roof, and everything in between. It is OUR responsibility to teach our children, to lead them in a way that is honoring the Lord. Lets face it, if we don’t, no one will. The world will certainly do the opposite. I want to be a mother who puts the Lord even before her husband or child. I will teach my child about Christ and the cross. I want him or her to see and hear me praying for them and with them. I want my child to see and hear me respect my husband from the day they are born until the end of my time here on earth- yes, even when they are an adult. I want him or her to see how much I adore their father and how thankful I am the Lord has provided.

One of my nieces asked me last week if I was going to be a strict mom. While it may appear that we will be “strict” parents in the eyes of the world, I prefer to think of it as we’ll be parents who want to raise God-fearing, respectful, obedient children. Chrildren who have big hearts, longing to serve the Lord, and grow the kingdom of God.

Nov16

The End & The Beginning

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Technically speaking, the end of the first tri should be 13 weeks, 2 days…right? Everyone has different markers, but either which way, today is the start of week 14.

We were able to have our intake appointment with our OB at 9 weeks. That visit, though incredibly long, was one of the most incredible visits ever. While I had seen the babies heartbeat a number of times, that was the first time I had ever heard it. And Joe was there, so we heard it together. Upon exiting, we had a bag full of books, magazines, and handouts. I’ve scanned through most of them, but most are things I already knew (baby on back).

My last appointment was the day before 13 weeks. Satan definitely wanted to take control of my mind starting the night before. Joe had a meeting that Monday night, so I was here to keep busy. But satan got in my head and I started freaking out, worrying that the baby wasn’t going to be ok. I have learned in moments like that, focusing on Christ is one of the best things I can do. In the end, the baby was ok. (S)he had a great heartbeat of 153 bpm.

The thing about battling infertility is that you never forget. The fears never leave you. Working in a path lab, they are constantly brought to the forefront of mind. I see loss practically every day I’m at work. It can be anything from a very early loss to loss at birth. Its mentally and emotionally tough. I find that I have to stop for a few moments, and even though I don’t know the woman, I pray for her. I pray for her heart that probably feels as though it is in a million pieces. Infertility and loss is incredibly painful. But the Lord can use it for His good, and I’m learning that every single day.

Our next appointment isn’t scheduled until mid December (four weeks from now), at which we’re hoping we’ll be able to see if the baby is a he or she.

How far along? 14 weeks

How big is baby? Apparently the size of a lemon

Sleep? I’m sleeping well until I have to get up to go to the bathroom. After that, sleep is restless and very uncomfortable.

Cravings? Early on it was potatoes in any form- tots, mashed, fried. Now I’m craving Chick-fil-a, but have been fighting the urge.  Sweet tea from Bojangles, which I can’t have for quite a long while.

Best moment so far? Hearing the Baby L’s heartbeat last week

Gender? No idea

Names? We have a girls named picked out,  but not a boys. Which probably means we will end up having a boy. We will not be sharing the name until the baby is born!

What I miss most: Sleeping comfortably on my stomach. That ended around week 10.

Feeling? Pretty good. Exhausted a lot of days, but there isn’t anything I can find to complain about. I will take the exhaustion, the uncomfortable sleep, the need to pee every 15 minutes to half hour, and any other symptom that wants to come along. I’ve been working out a few days a week, but have had to decrease the intensity to keep my heartrate at or below the suggested 140bpm.

Nov14

Looking Back

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The past three or four months have been a whirlwind. Lots of testing, procedures, our trip to Moldova, ultrasounds sometimes every few days, crazy crazy things.

In case you aren’t aware, there are MANY different steps and many different options that go along with (in)fertility testing. I (Emily) obviously had to do the majority of the work. One of the tests was an HSG, which I would never wish on the enemy of my worst enemy. Some women apparently don’t mind them-I am not one of them. When we decided to go against the suggestions of our doctor, we knew it was all in God’s hands. We chose to begin with a less invasive option. We didn’t feel the Lord leading us to IUI at that point, and we had drawn our line at IVF (everyone has to make a decision, this was ours). The route we chose included medication, lots of injections in my stomach,  and daily uses of progesterone (not exactly exciting). Along with all of that came ultrasounds every few days. While we trusted God’s hand in the situation, our RE didn’t didn’t give us much hope that this would work. But God proved He was bigger than our doctor. Much bigger.

The morning I went in for my blood test, I was a nervous wreck. I stayed that way the majority of the day. Finally in the afternoon, the nurse called. Joe was upstairs playing the paino, I was downstairs trying to pass the time. She asked if I had gotten a call already (NO!). Apparently they had called the wrong number, leaving a message on the wrong person’s answering machine letting her in on the news. Thankfully that person called them back to let them know they called the wrong number. Someone named Diane knew I was pregnant before I did! But I didn’t care. I couldn’t make it upstairs without the tears streaming. Joe turned around to see me bawling. He didn’t know how to respond. I shook my head “yes” to let him know I wasn’t sobbing out of sadness.

The next few weeks were nerve wracking. I work in pathology, I know and see the risks daily. At my six week ultrasound, I was able to see the baby, though tiny. I was also able to make out a teeny tiny heartbeat. At our seven week ultrasound, the doctor suspected a twin, but it turned out to be a shadow. Again, I got to see the heartbeat. Thankfully during that visit, the doctor gave me a script for Zofran because my nausea ramped up like crazy that day. Concluding that visit and reassuring me that my side effects/symptoms weren’t abnormal, we were released into the care of my regular OB/Gyn.

We managed to make it to and from Moldova without many problems. The horribly bumpy roads caused me to worry quite a bit, as did the strong paint/varnish smell of the apartment we stayed in. But other than those two things, we were able to focus on ministry.

We definitely feel blessed that the Lord has given us this child. We pray that every day we will not forget this blessing.  Again, from the bottom of our hearts, we genuinely appreciate the kind words of support, the encouragement, and every single congratulations we have received!

Nov11

Thank You!

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We want to thank each of you who have commented on our website, on our Facebook pages, and sent us private messages and emails. For those who have sent us private messages or asked us questions, we’ll try to get back with you over the next few days. We feel very blessed that God has given us this gift. If you were able to watch our video from our previous post, you saw that this is such a true blessing, but it came after years of struggling, years of heartache. If you have some time and haven’t checked out our tab above entitled “Infertility”, please take a few minutes and read through it. While it isn’t details of our struggle in particular, it does describe many things that people who struggle with infertility and/or loss often encounter.  If you, or someone you know battles fertility difficulties, Hannah’s Hope by Jennifer Saake would be such a blessing for them!

Stay tuned, more to come!!!

Nov9

Our Journey

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Over two years ago we embarked on a journey that has taken us down a path we didn’t really expect. We’ve created a short video to share part of that journey with the rest of the world. The music (What Faith Can Do) is by Kutless, from their album It is Well. The album is amazing (which translates to you should buy it), but the song What Faith Can Do really speaks to our story. The video is short, 4 minutes. It is our hope that the video will speak volumes about how amazing our Lord and Savior is, and how through heartache and pain, He sees us through.